My Windows XP installation has reached its half-life. (You
do
know that Windows has a half-life, don’t you? Every installation of
Windows naturally degrades along a logarithmic curve until it becomes
annoying, then unbearable, then unusable. Each successive revision of
Windows has featured a slightly longer half-life. Back in the day,
Windows 95 would last me about 3 months, while my copy of Windows XP
has lasted me almost 9. I’m not bitter; when you realize that you’re
measuring on a logarithmic scale, a factor of 3 improvement is really
quite impressive.)
Still, the fact remains that my Windows XP laptop can no longer (a)
print, (b) sleep, or (c) change network settings without crashing. This
is not multiple choice; it can’t do
any of those things. It’s time for a clean re-install.
- Back up entire d: drive to iMac upstairs. rsync rocks.
- Find Windows XP install disc.
- Reboot with Windows XP install disc.
- Asked for product activation. Curse Microsoft.
- Search my house in vain for my original, 100% legitimate, retail Windows XP box.
- Reboot.
- Search control panels in vain for a window, dialog, tab, or pane that displays my current product key.
- Search Google for “windows xp get current product key”.
- Find a utility on a cracker web page in Russia that displays the
current product key. This is one of the more lame utilities, since most
of the good ones allow you to change it. I don’t wish to change it; I
actually have a perfectly good product key, I just don’t know what it
is.
- Reboot with Windows XP install disc.
- Reboot repeatedly as required.
- Boot screen. Choose between “Windows XP Professional” and “Windows
XP Professional”. Brilliant. Pick one. The wrong one. Boot into fucked
Windows XP install. Hard reboot. Pick the right one. Make mental note
to hack boot.ini later.
- “Welcome to Windows XP. You have no useful programs and no internet
access. You have 30 days left for activation. Would you like to
activate now?” Yes, I would, but I have no internet access.
- Unnecessarily loud and cheerful startup noises. Make mental note to turn off all sounds later.
- Search the “Network and Internet Connections” wizards in vain for
some way to set up my Linksys wireless card. Having never done a clean
install of XP (I previously upgraded from Windows 2000), and having
been moderately impressed by the new wireless networking features in
XP, I naively assumed this would “just work”. Silly rabbit.
- Search my house for my Linksys wireless card driver install disc.
Find the install disc that came with the old card, that broke and was
replaced by the new-and-improved version 3.0 card. Wonder if that will
suffice.
- Fight with the “Add New Hardware Wizard” trying to install the obviously inferior drivers off this disc.
- Wonder where the “Device Manager” is hiding.
- Find the “Device Manager”. Right-click on the unknown device,
“Linksys_Instant_Wireless_Card”. Update driver. “Windows was unable to
locate a driver for this device. Would you like to search on the
internet?” Yes, I’d love to, but I can’t, you moron. Install driver
from specific location. Specify WIN2000 folder on old-and-inferior
install disc.
- “This driver is not digitally signed.” OK.
- “This driver may cause your computer to become unstable.” OK.
- “This driver may anally rape *********** while pouring sugar down your gas tank.” OK.
- Nothing. No connection, no internet access, no acknowledgment of any device whatsoever.
- Reboot.
- Doesn’t work.
- “Take a tour of Windows XP!” I am.
- Reboot.
- Doesn’t work.
- Dig out old wired PCMCIA card. Take computer upstairs. Plug
directly into switch. cmd. ipconfig. We have an IP address. ping
www.google.com. We have name resolution and internet access.
- Fire up Internet Explorer. runonce.msn.com. No. www.linksys.com.
Support. Downloads. WPC11. Windows XP. Linksys.com rocks.
- Insert Linksys wireless card.
- Back to Device Manager.
- Uninstall old-and-inferior driver.
- Update driver.
- “This driver is not digitally signed.” OK.
- “This driver may cause your computer to become unstable.” OK.
- “This driver may…” OK.
- cmd. ipconfig. We have internet access.
- “Add your .NET Passport to Windows XP!” No.
- Fire up Internet Explorer. www.msn.com. No. www.mozilla.org. Download Mozilla.
- Realize I should create an “f8dy” user because it will make my life easier later.
- Create “f8dy” as an administrator. Log out. Log in.
- Install Mozilla. Yes, I would like to make you my default browser. The world is happiness and glee.
- “Take a tour of Windows XP!” Sigh.
- “30 days left for activation!” Click. Yes, I would like to activate
Windows over an active internet connection, now that I have one. No, I
would not like to register with Microsoft. Yes, I have read the privacy
statement and agree to give up my computer, my civil rights, and my
first-born child. I wasn’t using my civil rights anyway.
- Back to Mozilla. Set up IMAP server. Set up SMTP server. Set up
LDAP directories. Fiddle with endless settings. Ooh, 1.5 alpha has
auto-login scripts in Chatzilla. Make mental note to get on IRC when
this is all done and ***** about it to a bunch of Linux-loving hippies.
- Search Google for “windows xp tweakui”.
- Download TweakUiPowertoySetup.exe. Run TweakUiPowertoySetup.exe.
“The procedure entry point GetDllDirectoryW could not be located in the
dynamic link library KERNEL32.dll”
- Dig. Dig. Dig. Aha. TweakUI requires Windows XP Service Pack 1.
- Fire up Internet Explorer again. windowsupate.microsoft.com. “Do
you want to install and run Windows Update V4 Control?” Yes. “Always
trust content from Microsoft Corporation?” No.
- “Windows Update has found 39 critical updates and service packs.” Install now.
- “Service Pack 1 must be installed separately from other updates.” OK.
- Yes, I agree to bend over, grease up, and accept the End User License Agreement.
- Wait. Time passes.
- Wait. Time passes.
- Wait. Time passes. It is getting dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
- Reboot.
- “Take a tour of Windows XP!”
- “Add your .NET Passport to Windows XP!”
- Fire up Internet Explorer. “Windows Update has found 26 critical updates.” This we call progress. Install now.
- Wait. Time passes. Reboot.
- “Take a tour of Windows XP!”
Does it give you an error message or blue screen?
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